New Year panic and depression, anyone? Here’s your quick happy fix!

I’m sure you’ve all heard of to do before I die lists, perhaps you’ve made one, or two, or plenty! But I’ve been thinking of new years resolutions and I remember mine, from a younger version of me. I must say that, yes, there are certain things I’ve got on my life list that I’ve accomplished (not neccasarily all good things) that I hadn’t planned to have on there 5 years ago.
To compare:

5 Years ago, Bucket list;

Go to college,
Find the ‘one’
Get married
Have kids
Buy a house.
Stay near home
Have an exibition of my work
Become a famous artist
Be a world renowed author
See the northern lights

And now:

Pass my degree
Do a PGCE
Do an MA In Art
Do a PhD in Art
Become an Art Lecturer at a Uni#
Help my sisters with Flat’s etc,
Learn French
Go to the closest point in Scotland to the Northern Lights
Finish writing my book
Become the new Nigella/Jamie Oliver
Get married! To my lovely lady
Adopt kids/maybe have my own, if Im lucky! Haha
Watch my kids grow up
Try and get my book published
Adopt my significant others family as my own ūüėČ

I could go on about all the things I want in my future but.. I think that a thing thats better for a person is to write a list of all your acomplishments in life, all the things you should have put on the Bucket List for your younger self, the things that you didn’t plan but have made you the happiest, perhaps? I’m not suggesting a scrap of paper you’ll forget about, but maybe write it in a book first, then, when you’ve got enough, you can get it printed onto canvas, and hang it up somewhere special,

http://www.canvas4life.co.uk/?kw=cheap%20canvas%20prints&fl=456113&ci=6810468313&network=s&pm=&gclid=CI6hmeDJgqYCFQkf4QodUhXUog

Or you can simply pop down to your local Argos/tesco’s/ectera, and grab a photoframe to stick your paper list and pop it beside your bed to see whenever you need to remind yourself that although you’ve not ticked off your ideal ‘Before I die’ list, you’ve accutmalated beautiful things that are surprises to the list.

I suppose its a done since I’ve been alive list?

anyway, I’m rambling, so I’m signing off,

keep smiling bloggers
xxx

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December 23, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

oh **** its nearly christmas again..

Its almost to the day, exactly, that I started this blog, and Im glad that I did.

The retrospective of looking back to how I was dealing with this last year, how I was last year, and comparing it to how I am now, nearly exactly a year on, gives me a few thoughts…

One of them is Im in denial.

Seriously, I swear, I haven’t freaked out, I got a parcel of presents off of my family (minus my older siblings who are doing it seperately) today, and forced myself to check if there was money in the cards because.. I may not be celebrating christmas, but I gotta eat. There wasn’t any christmas money this year, and Im okay, logical, but.. I’m not shocked that I’m not bawling my eyes out or over emotional, its only that I suppose I didn’t think I could handle it. Add the fact Im spending christmas day alone (My choice) and 3 days before it, and three after, and volunteering on the ‘big day’, and I am still supposing that I couldn’t handle it and I can.

That I am slightly proud of myself, although now I admit it, I feel almost arrogant – I assure you Im not.

Another is that maybe its easier because when my therapist said time would help, it wasn’t a load of psychobabble.

And the rest of the thoughts in my head consist of being slightly smug that I’ve learn’t, how well I’ve planned my christmas (as well as my organisation in my head thats waiting to get out and actually done), excitement for my christmas art project, a slight worry over black pens, a craving for charcoal sticks and 4H pencils simultaneously, and the hopes that somehow my girlfriends mother will see the pictures I’ve posted of said girlfriend in a skirt opposed to the only other thing she wears that (may) show her knees; football shorts, and think that I’m lovely (and NOT cry..) also.. a new born worry that if said girlfriends mother sees said girlfriend in said skirt I can hardly wear it to their New Years party without her

A) noticing,

and B) thinking that her daughter looks better in it that than me.

Bugger.

At least its going to be a busy holiday full of things to keep me away from beer and¬†closer to cheer ūüėČ

Peace out Bloggers,

Keep happy xxx

December 16, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Gee :)

when I was younger, I’d spend my days dreaming up somebody like you, and I knew that when I grew taller all I wanted to do, was find somebody like you, And I wanted to love somebody, i wanted to love somebody like you.. There’s nothing in the world I’d rather do, than love somebody like you.

^_^ I love my Gee!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

October 20, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

i want to write a story..

I want to begin a beginning, sink into luxurious language that laps lazily at me, that sends tendrils of inspiration spiralling through my mind.

Nothing unusual happens between the hours of 5 dinnertime and 12 midday.

Nothing happens, that changes anything. there is only brainwaves and mind boggles and heart surges when I look over at you.

We have dinner, and we switch, so its my turn to slide up, onto of the cool, hard, smooth worktop and watch you cook, my legs swinging aimlessly, the yearning for childhood apparent and subconcious. I trace my eyes all over you as we eat, and warm hazel light flickers from your body to mine, you laugh, joke and send secret smiles to me in clear view of everyone. They know not that they are secret, but think them just to be smiles. I think them to be rather beautiful ones at that.

Dishes are cleared, washed, and cups of tea made, then toast, and more spagetti. We sit happily, conversation softer now, the rough edges smoothed by the steady flow, gently carving a well worn path. I watch you as I get silly, and make the others, and you, laugh. My arms gesculate and my mouth grins, I play with my storytelling side as I talk, enjoying the deep caress of it, the sensuality I feel washes over me, and I realize that I want to tell stories every day. I look at you and know that I want your kids.

I want a blue eyed girl with untameable licks of ebony fire flickering down her back, mischievious giggles and a passion for books and football..¬†A brown eyed blonde boy with freckles on the bridge of his nose, a serious face that involves an¬†adorable frown as he scribbles with a rainbow of crayons onto clean paper, then, when he has grown impatient and grumpy, will¬†rush outside to have piggy-back rides with¬†you,¬†after hugs from me and a¬†passionate reassurance that he is perfect. I can imagine patio doors, clear glass, a¬†kitchen with a ‘breakfast bar’ type of thing, near the doors, to be close to garden for picnics and barbeques, that I will lean on after I slide a tray of surburban bliss into the oven. imagine soft kisses after you three have returned to me, and through the kitchen to the bathroom for washing of mucky hands, and you¬† wrapping your arms around my waist, as i reach into pull¬†potato wedges out of the oven, and chicken nuggets. (made¬†that afternoon, messily, with helping hands) And¬†I imagine birthday cakes for you, with icing¬†on top that I will have made, and rolled out, to give them letter cutters to make your name, or their name for you, and stick ontop of the cake, amongst the candles and silver balls. I can imagine loving you forever, to wake up to a sleep-smudged you and morning kisses, to late nights in hot baths with I love you as¬†the woman¬†Im in love with kisses, and all that venture in between, and over those, I can imagine forever.¬†I can imagine our kids¬†with smiles¬†that reach into your heart and steal it, as though it was never really yours, and that you were just holding it for them anyways.

You fall asleep when I go to the bathroom, I come back to the steady, reassuring breathing, that dips and ebbs in a way to wrap your breath around my heart, and tug at the strings and say to me – this is why.

-this is why you love this girl.

And you leave me smiling, comfortable to get a cup of tea and lean slightly against the warmth of you as you sleep on, the feeling remaining, that I could do forever like this. I type into your laptop, and my mouth forms a smirking half smile at you tangled up in duvet, blanket, and sleep. Unaware of the sudden rush of love to the head that Im feeling.

Deep, dark ink spills across my pillow gently, flicking up, around, and down. Soft and unhazardous, intoxicating and eyecatching, I know I will run my fingers through it as I fall into the depths to dream of you..

Keep your eyes on this, you may catch a glimpse of another chapter? Or a following from this beginning.. ? Im not sure,

but it will happen sometime.

Keep happy, keep in love with your life, appreciate the girl in your life who you love, and remember how it felt in the first love, remind her that she is what you fell for, that your forever hers.. Love! Bloggers, keep smiling! Peace out xxx

September 23, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

sugar snap, honey bee, all your names, they sound so sweet..

This is a belated post, and it is following a long ago – for me – post, over the same subject.

: GEE.

SO here goes… :

You fall so easily to dreams,

and I must wait to see,

when slumber drags me to my knees

and begs the world for me to be,

taken as it is with thee..

There’s something beautiful about when you sleep,

the flicker of eyelashes to your dreams.

The steady beating is softened by

the sensual melting of the time rushing by.

It takes a moment to realise you are away from my

prying eyes,

the body before me is a meer disquise,

of a mind that leaps and flies.

Of eyes that see what I cannot know,

only hear reviews after the show.

When the audience has had a drink,

and its fuzzy and their commentary stars ‘I think..’

the secrets written in your soul,

are not the moments like tarts I stole,

if you were the queen of old.

Its the worth of mice and men tenfold,

to see your skin all honey-glow,

of low lit lamp and

bedtime eyes,

who lay beside your mind’s disquise.

The glory of the beauty sings,

and its written on your sleeping skin,

hiding in invisible ink,

that when your open eyes do dream,

I will be the wings you need.

Peace out bloggers!! Look for beginnings and they shall grow, you may find the words you thought you’d never know.

Sorry its such a quick fix of near midnight bliss,

but there is excitement in a stolen kiss of sleeping beauty and cinderella, were always meant to be together ;P

Keep happy, keep smiling.. keep BLOGGING!! ^_^ xxx¬†P.s. Maybe its better to just be our own princesses rather than try and be anybody else’s? ^_^ if you grew up dreaming of castles and disney magic, then you just need to believe that you are a princess.. and see.

September 16, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Hi Gee!!

So there’s something fantastic about a hello, right?

There’s the emphasis on how you say it.. Whether you actually say hello, hi, hey, hiya or change it to alright? Wasson’ depending on the place your in, whatevers relevant to the culture.. The thing about Hello’s is the opening. Its a beginning.

As a writer, to open a page and have a ‘Hello’ as the first word, pulls you in. Then there’s whether there is any punctuation, if there’s a question mark, why is it a questioning hello? It could be a young girl talking to her best friend after an arguement, a middle aged man entering a blacked-out house with his nerves on edge.. The start of a phonecall, long distance, across the sea.. setting the scene for the rest of the story. Then there’s the particular vernacular its spoken in, and what it leads on to say.. However. I must admit, there is nothing I would rather hear in the morning (after scrambling around my bed with my eyes shut in pursuit of my buzzing mobile) is the Hello of my Gee.¬†

I say hello to her quite a lot, I mean, we have a LOT of phonecalls a day (not a bad thing, helps handle the distnace) so there are hello’s everywhere in my day. Sleep mumbled ones, ones after a cuppa tea and two slices of toast, after the kids are bugging, the washings on and Im in need of chocolate and a hug/throttling 4 kids at once¬† (I dont think my hands are big enough ;P ) then there’s the ones before lunch, for Gee, and during the making of lunch, for me, and always seem to have me talking across the kitchen as I make sandwiches and she’s on speaker, so she gets ‘hello’s’ from the kids as well, and there are a few more before the last one/s depending on signal, which have a pre text to say it’ll be in ten, to fifteen minutes that usually ends up in twenty (my bad!)

But there is always one thing that makes it easier.

The amount of days left until I say ‘Hello’ as she climbs out of her car and smiles at me.

8 days and counting bloggers!!! Remember to say hello to someone you care about today – a little bit of happiness goes a long way! ^_^

peace out and keep happy! xx

August 19, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Being a lucky one…^_^

This is dedicated to my Gee, in my two-week-long-a-surprise-a-day smile mission!!

by car, van, hand, train, airwaves and telegraph poles..

I cant resist

a new face,

to show them this is our place.

Beside me,

beside you,

is all I ever want to do.

There’s a twanging of

heartstrings.

The silence of sound.

Whoevers talking,

I still here the ache turned up to loud.

There is a beauty in the growth

of minds, stretching

over 300 miles to show

instead of say

the feelings every day.

I love picture,

I love sound.

Pen and paper..

I love having you around.

There are some things that people say will test your relationship.

Im guessing that being 300 miles away from each other is in that group labelled “make or break” if you can work when you live 30 minutes away.. Okay, it should happen. But add another ‘0’ to that number and there isn’t a bus you can catch to have breakfast in bed, watch tv programmes that you only watch together, look after each other when one of you is ill, or be there when they get back home and have had an absolutely crap day..

You’ll find yourself with an insatiable craving for the things they do, or the things you do together.. Like getting out of the habit of making Gee and I dinner every night, or having crumpets for breakfast together, to find they dont taste the same when you are mopping up the melted butter off the plate alone. The silly things that you probably shouldnt miss, but do. Like borrowing her socks. Being able to look at her. As a 3D person, not a picture, or a face on a screen, but be able to see the shading of the light she’s sat under, the fact that she’s life-sized instead of her face is smaller than palm-sized on my phone screen…I miss the big grin she does when she feels like she’s babbling, and the little noises she makes when she’s half asleep and wakes up in the middle of the night as she moves closer..

All this missing and distance.. it can drive you apart, because you are so far away, it can turn you frustrated, that you can’t hug them, and then it leads to the feelings of frustration and anger at the situation getting pointed at the other person, or, in other cases, one, or both, of the people, carry on with life, and substitute the person their in a relationship to a phonecall every few days, or every week, then infrequently as they pick up their life and move on, leaving the other person alone. I suppose it depends on the people, the relationship, the distance, finances, and everything else.. But this is a pretty much skint broke student couple, and train tickets dont cost too muc if you book in advance, and travel at 6 in the morning.. And its easier to travel by car than train when you’re staying for over two weeks… Just take the drive slow and dont waste the petrol speeding! Then there are the common ways to communicate (as there are so many now) there is the easy one;

mobile phones:

for texting,

for late night phonecalls before bed

and for phonecalls used like alarm clocks in the morning (with the difference that they make you smile)

and for phonecalls when the urge is to be able to hear the other persons voice, or when there is good news, bad news, or im literally watching paint dry-entertain me there’s no news.

Then we have;

Emails. More infrequent than the calls and texts, but written like letters, short, sweet, love letters to one another to let them know you’re thinking of them.

Facebook; for chatting cheaply and quickly, and more messaging, like the above, and for seeing pictures and videos to make you smile

Then we get the lovely old fashioned letters, delivered through the door in the morning, sent first class and replied to within a couple of days or more, but more romantc, and held in happier hands than for an email.

Lovenotes sent with the letter, and odd thoughts and bits to make the receiver smile..

Then there is staying up for the best part of the night on the phone, trying to look after one another when something goes wrong, and wishing you could be there to just hold them, because you know thats all they need…. Then counting the days down until you see her more ferverently, with a passion aching in your bones to make it better, to be able to be there with her, and not so far apart it feels like your heart is yearning to burst from your body to get closer to her.. But there is the knowing you will see her, soon, even if soon is in four weeks and you count the hours down…. Or if its months, and you wait til the last week so you only have to count the last 7 days down.. And the knowing is what gets you through. Pulls you through, through the time, til the days have gone past and you are together again.

There are all the was to keep in contact, and all the things we do, and I suppose it means that being 300miles apart is more the making of us than we thought!

All the songs that we could be, there is nothing that feels as good as you and me.. ^_^

Give me attention
I need it now
Too much distance
To measure it out (out loud)

Tracing patterns
Across a personal map
Make your pictures
Where the lines overlap
Where the lines overlap

No one is as lucky as us
We’re not at the end but
Oh we’ve already won
Oh no, no one
Is as lucky as us
Is as lucky as us

Call me over
And tell me how
You got so far
Never making a single sound

I’m not used to it
But I can learn
There’s nothing to it
Ive never been happier
Ive never been happier

No one is as lucky as us
We’re not at the end but
Oh, oh we’ve already won
Oh no, no one
Is as lucky as us
Is as lucky as us

Now Ive got a feeling if I sang this loud enough, you
Would sing it back to me
I’ve got a feeling if I sang this loud enough, you
Will sing it back to me

Ive got a feeling
I’ve got a feeling
That you, will sing it back to me
You, will sing it back to me

No one is as lucky as I
With what Ive given
Is what we already won
No no, no one
Is as lucky as us

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFBpMgcomsk)

If you feel like your winning bloggers, let them know.

And if you’ve forgotten, used to what you’ve won, realise how lucky you are, and tell them, bring back that feeling!!

And if you are still running, still racing to becoming a winner, dont worry, everyones a winner, we just end the race at different times.

Keep looking, keep loving, keep smiling bloggers! peace out xxx

August 10, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

“Welcome to Orange answerphone..”

there is something deeply¬†depressing about that opening line of any answerphone message when you’re trying to reach someone.

It begins somewhere in the heart. Deep in the soft flesh of an open heart, whether secretly so or not. It hurts the same when an unknown voice speaks to you saying that the person on the end of the line is unreachable. The unsincere apology does nothing to stop the jumpstart of the ache.

There is a knee-jerk reaction of panic. Of self protection and a flicker of fear. The moment is short, but the emotions are deep and strong like brief but catastropic rainfall in the wrong area at the wrong time..

You pause, and questions run through your mind as you wonder whether they are simply out of signal, or they are already on the phone – possible trying to phone you? Or, they are avoiding you.

All this panic pumps into you then leaves you high and dry as you redial.

The Redial is always the same after these moments; you tentatively ask “hello?”¬† into the microphone as though immediate rejection is likely to be swift and painful.

However. The responding Hello of a well-known, well-loved voice that is comforting of your quick panic, reassures all doubt and the happiness of being on the phone to someone you love seeps in and fills in the dark in the deep fleshy tissue of your heart.

I used to be one of the people who hated phonecalls, but Gee changed it and now I am a happy bunny on the phone, and I am on the phone a LOT to Gee, because she makes me happy ^_^

Make some phonecalls to people you haven’t spoken to in weeks, months, years or just plain days, give them a smile, get a smile, and keep smilng! Peace out bloggers ^_^ xxx

August 5, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

lollipop lollipop, oh lolli-lolli-lollipop!

lollipop!!!!

Isn’t there something about lollipops?

I feel a sense of innocent happiness when I have lollipop… then again, it can be rather *rude* when you’re eating one in front of your partner and feel like a tease…

But I remember eating (probably millions) of lollipops – five pence from the chippy on the sea front – when I was young, and even when I hit my teens I would nip around the corner from my friends house and buy as many as my pocket money would allow. Refusing any fondness for other sweets, only excepting those addictive cheese and chive crisp things from lidl that surely should have come out my ears by the amount I have nibbled on over the years!

Do not worry though, as much as my love for brightly coloured, round suckable things on the end of sticks that are either paper and dissolve if you take too long to eat it, or plastic, that ends up folded in half in your front pocket awaiting the moment when it will dig into the soft unguarded flesh of your thigh when you unsuspectingly sit down..

This post is not about sweets and candy but my final embrace of a decision that I have been reserved over for years (albeit my artistic tendencies) of dying my hair bright enough red that I feel the urge to imprint the song by the Chordettes originally (that has popped up in a dell advert that usually causes me to sing it and get it into everyone elses head at the same time) into my brain when I recall the fact my hair is lollipop red.

More to the point, the most important things are the pink finger tips and stained nails attached to a wild haired girl with big devouring eyes.. usually I tend to make a mess and stain several towels when attempting to dye my hair…

That was until miss glam girl found Gee, whose fingers are pink (and the only way she would end up attached to something so feverently ‘girly’! and there are no stains, no patches of blonde giving me away, no heavy arms from straining to repeat the dying process…

Just pure red head conversion!

The afterthought of this is that the temper of the red seems to have seeped into me and passion is seething through my veins…. But the smile on my face doesnt fade from the beauty of my Gee, even if she is a ickle grumpy over her pinkies! The lengths she goes to for me astound me….. To be able to dye my lollipop hair she had to drive 300 miles from one side of the country to the other, in her tiny tin mona, who was pimped back to life before the grand journey to meet the scraped together family of mine, who adore her (perhaps more so than they do me! Hehe, which is a good sign!!) and has been the Gee-orgeous girl who has set me on fire!

Keep your eye out for more adventures with me and mrs Gee! ^_^ peace out bloggers xxx

July 26, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

the last thing in Pandora’s box…

Im in love with a girl.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_9PQA8RVG0&feature=related

What I feel for you is something higher than what people believe
It can pass all barriers that try and contain it,
to derail it.
What I feel is how I will be.
I will never let anything stop what I feel for you.
I dont care what people think,
say
or do.
The only important things in this whole beautiful thing, are 
me and you.
I will fight to love you if I have to,
but know,
when the sun goes down,
and there is nothing but inky blue and the stars aren’t shining..
I will be there,
the silver lining,
of all your dreams in the depths of night.
There is nothing in the world so right,
as me being yours.
Its all I can ask..
All I’ve been dreaming for.

¬†For everyday uplifting moments and some hope for humanity check out this…

http://www.givesmehope.com/

And, if, like me, straight is not the way you bend, check this out, may be helpful…

http://www.lgf.org.uk/directory/support

And for a giggle…

EVERYONE IS GAY!!! ^_^

http://us.holland.com/everyonesgay/?page_id=2

Peace out, love yourselves bloggers!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^_^

June 21, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

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